Fightin' words

As a service to Kindle Taproom readers, a friend of mine, not generally known for his sensitivity, relates below how his last three major fights with his wife got started. Perhaps you can avoid the same pitfalls. I'll just give him the floor...

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift, and she asked me why.

I answered, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

Big fight ensued.

* * *

One evening, my wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? while we were lying in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered, only half paying attention to me.

"Is that your final answer?" I said.

Rolling her eyes, she replied, "Yes".

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

Big fight ensued.

* * *

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the sirloin steak, please, rare."

"Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" the waiter said.

"Nah, she can order for herself."

Big fight ensued.