If anyone needs me, I'll be reading. Please don't need me.

If anyone needs me, I'll be reading. Please don't need me.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Boy, he's mean


Here are two final stories (for now) from my insensitive clod of a friend. He really seems to enjoy relating how the biggest fights with his long-suffering wife got started. Once again, I'll give him the floor...

When our lawn mower broke, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: organizing my tools, shining the boat, taking a nap, making beer... you know, things more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way, at least in her mind, to make her point. When I arrived home from work one day, I found her sitting in the tall grass in front of our house, busily snipping away at the grass with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

"See what it's come down to?" my wife said with a sigh. "What do you have to say to this?"

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I came out a moment later and handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the driveway."

Big fight ensued.

* * *

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

Finally I asked her, "Do you know that guy?"

"Yes", she sighed. "He's an old boyfriend I haven't seen since high school. From what I've heard tonight, he took to drinking right after we split up, and hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Big fight ensued.

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