Listen up

On this lazy summer day, here are a few notable quotes you may not have heard before. Some of these are quite cute.

"Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."

Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

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"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."

Eleanor Roosevelt

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"Last week, I stated that a particular woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement."

Mark Twain

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"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending... and to have the two as close together as possible."

George Burns

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"Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people only once a year."

Victor Borge

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"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."

Mark Twain

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"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."

Socrates

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"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

Groucho Marx

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"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."

Jimmy Durante

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"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back."

Zsa Zsa Gabor

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"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat."

Alex Levine

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"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."

Rodney Dangerfield

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"Money can't buy you happiness. But it does buy you a more pleasant form of misery."

Spike Milligan

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"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was Shut Up!"

Joe Namath

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"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

Bob Hope

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"I never drink water because of all the disgusting things that fish do in it."

W. C. Fields

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"We could certainly slow the aging process down if we required it to work its way through Congress."

Will Rogers

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"Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you."

Winston Churchill

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"Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out."

Phyllis Diller

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"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."

- Billy Crystal